Relapse

One of my biggest fears since losing a boatload of weight is that I would gain weight again.  I’m terrified of that happening.  I never want to be overweight again.  I hated how I felt physically and mentally as an overweight obese person, and for the most part that fear has kept me on the straight and narrow in making good food choices.  That, and the fact that my desire for junk food is essentially gone.  Well, mostly gone.

But then it happened.  I’ve gained some weight.  Not a lot.  I bet most people who see me every day can’t even tell, but I know.  While I’m learning not to be totally obsessed by the number on the scale, when I know what I’ve been eating and I see that number go up, I know I’ve put on some weight.

Confession time.  I’ve been eating way too much chocolate.  Like every day, having something chocolate.  I know what my trigger for sweets is–fatigue.  When I’m tired, I crave chocolate like a drowning man must crave air.  I feel like I HAVE to have sugar.  And my resistance to temptation when I’m tired is zilch.  I feel like my will power is completely tapped out, and I give in.  Every.  Single.  Time.

IMG_1280Working night shift, I spend about 75% of my week tired.  I’m up for over 24 hours more than one day a week.  It’s a tough schedule, and Lord willing, I’ll be able to come off of it soon.  So while I tend to want to comfort myself with this notion that I have reason to be tired and that chocolate is just helping me get through the day, I am NOT okay with gaining weight.  And I recognize that stinkin’ thinkin’ in my excuse.  Chocolate is food, an inanimate object; it can’t make me do anything.  And it can’t really make me less tired.  Fatigue or not, I chose to eat enough chocolate to put on a few pounds.  Me.  I did it.

So my old fat self would have beaten myself up, said “to heck with it” and had some more chocolate.  Anybody in that boat with me?  But having gone through a major weight loss, I’ve learned some valuable lessons and gained some tools that I think will get me back on track.  This is how I’m handling this little set back:

  1.  Remember.  I find myself thinking back to how I felt before I lost weight, reliving those aches and pains and negative thoughts and emotions.  I don’t want that again.  That’s enough to motivate me to get back on track.
  2. Go back to the basics.  I’ve pulled up my Lose It! app again and am tracking my calories daily again.  I need that concrete reminder of how002 many calories chocolate deducts from my “calorie bank” and then, deciding if having chocolate is worth going over my calorie limit or being hungry the rest of the day.
  3. Find new ways to deal with fatigue.  It’s tough when you’re halfway through a 12 hour night shift and find yourself absolutely exhausted.  That’s when I really start craving chocolate.  I’m still working on this part; it’s definitely the hardest part for me, but I’m trying to deal with it by not keeping cash on me (so I can’t go to the vending machines) and by bringing healthy snacks like fruit, protein bars, or a baggie of almonds and raisins to work with me.  When I’m home and the cravings hit, I’m trying to just distract myself with another activity or if I have time, just lie down for a nap.

So I’ll keep you posted on how things are going.  If you find yourself in this same position of having lost some weight and now gaining some, don’t beat yourself up!  This does NOT mean the end of your healthy lifestyle!  Own the choices you’ve made that have led to the weight gain, and get back on track.  We’ll do it together!

Talk to me:

How do you handle set backs on the choices you’ve made to live a healthier life?

What’s your favorite weight loss/health app?

A Single’s Take on Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day can be an uncomfortable day for me, as I think it can be for most single folks.  When a day is geared towards romantic love and relationships, and you’re single, like me, where does that leave you?  At home, alone, feeling depressed because apparently I’m so ugly and unlovable that nobody wants to be with me?  Seriously, I used to feel that way.  And sometimes, I still wonder what it would be like to be with someone who was totally enamored with me on Valentine’s Day.

But dwelling on those thoughts is really what makes me miserable, not being single.  It’s desiring what I don’t have instead of treasuring what I do have that makes me unhappy.  And what I do have is abundant!

  1. I have family and friends who love me, not in a romantic type of way, but in that comfortable kind of no matter what happens we’ll still be there for you kind of way.  That’s a priceless gift!
  2. I have an entire evening free on Valentine’s night.  I can either choose to lay around home and mope, or I can babysit for a couple so they can continue on with the hard work of making a relationship work.  Time is a beautiful gift.  I want to use it well.
  3. I have a relationship with a God who is enamored with me.  It’s always humbling when I remember that the God of the universe delights in me, that he chose me to be his daughter, that he wants to spend time with me, that his love for me is so strong he let his son die for me.  Just sayin’…no human relationship can match that!

I’m not saying I always do a good job at keeping this perspective.  It’s still hard to be alone on a day that celebrates romance and relationships, even though I’m content being single.  But I’m learning that joy is a choice.  So instead of joining the ranks of single folk sporting black hearts in defiance of Valentine’s Day, I hope this year I can truly celebrate the fact that my friends and family have found the love of their lives and look for ways I can cheer them on in their chosen path of life.

Talk to me:

How will you spend Valentine’s Day this year?

Since I’ve Been MIA…

Time flies when you’re having fun…and sometimes even when you’re not, right?  Actually, life has been good, just busy, and because I feel like I’ve kind of just dropped out of the blogging world for the last couple of weeks, I thought I’d just catch you up on what’s been going on since I’ve been MIA.

  1.  I ran a 10K PR!  I’m only just starting to increase my weekly mileage and the distance of my long runs since my stress injury following my last marathon in November, so when the Go Short, Go Long, Go Very Long race rolled around towards the end of January, I knew I wasn’t ready to do the 25K distance that I had originally set my sights on.  But I felt reasonably sure I could do a 10K.  My plan was to use the middle 3 miles as a 5K time trial, but the pace felt good so I kept going and crossed the finish line in 54 minutes and 27 seconds!  I love getting PRs, especially unexpected ones!IMG_1416
  2. I moved up a pace group in training runs.  I’m not training for any specific race at the moment, but I signed up for mIMG_1443arathon training because I enjoy running with a group and to just stay in shape.  Because I’m running just to run for now, I decided to challenge myself and move up to the next fastest pace group.  Wow!  Saturday runs have gone from being easy, conversational runs to feeling like a race every week.  Saturday runs have become a definite challenge, and while I’m tempted to move back to my old pace group, the competitor in me wants to see if I can keep up this faster pace for longer distances.  We’ll see how that goes…
  3. I nearly knocked myself out with a barbell.  So we were working on split jerks at CrossFit.  I was on my fifth of 5 heavy singles.  I had 85 pounds on my bar, dipped to load my leg muscles, and with all the force in my legs, I drove those 85 pounds right smack into the underneath side of my chin.  That’s what happens when you don’t get your head out of the way in time apparently.  My head felt like my skull was just bouncing around in there, seriously.  But don’t get the wrong idea about CrossFit.  Coach had taught us the right way to split jerk and even warned us about making sure we don’t get our heads in the way.  I think I have learned my lesson!
  4. I passed my program final exam!  That’s a big part of what’s kept me away from blogging–well, studying, that is.  Thankfully, Sunny was right there to oversee my studying progress.  I was only slightly less IMG_1432nervous going into that exam than I was going into my graduate final oral exam.  But as most things usually are, it was not nearly as bad as I’d anticipated (maybe all that studying just prepared me well?).  And now Monday, I begin 180 hours of externship where the rubber meets the road.  I’m feeling really nervous…

So that’s been my life lately.  Stay tuned for posts that will be more helpful (hopefully) to your quest for health.

Talk to me:

What’s been going on in your life lately?

What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever injured yourself?